Okay, first of all – DON’T PANIC. I’m not about to discuss, divulge, or otherwise detail anything that hasn’t already been discussed ad nauseum by most people in this country. (Emphasis on MOST… I don’t want to hear any whining about how I’ve permanently scarred any of you fine readers because you don’t know your own BOUNDARIES).
This whole post came about because of a conversation with my husband about how if we ever had a kid, I would require that the Dr. perform a C-Section, because the child’s head would undoubtedly be SO LARGE that I could be permanently disabled “down under” if I attempted natural child birth. (Seriously – you should examine the baby pictures of us Kinder children – we we’re natural born bobble-heads)
We then proceeded to discuss the many other benefits of choosing C-section over natural birth, and I confessed that my #1 motivator in this choice wasn’t really related to the potential gigantor-ness of the imaginary baby’s head…. it’s that I would really like to avoid pooping in front of people.
There it is. Total honesty.
Now for those of you who have never given birth, or had a close friend/family member to educate you on the experience, I can assure you that yes – it is VERY common for a woman to inadvertently poop during labor. Something to do with all that southern straining and being unable to differentiate which muscles are pushing what out.
But don’t worry – according to my cousin Mandy, back when she had her first baby, “by the time that happens, you don’t even care anymore. You’re past the point of caring. It’s not even on your radar”.
Anything that causes a person to enter a mental state where they don’t care that they are POOPING IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE is something to be suspicious of!!! And you can tell me all you want that C-sections are not as healthy for the baby and result in a longer recovery time for the mother, but C’MON PEOPLE… you can’t tell me it’s sanitary for a baby to enter this world and “go through Customs” right next door to a “Sewage Plant”. Yay! New euphemism’s for referring to my naughty bits!
Anyways, I’m sure by now you are all over in the corner, gouging out your mind’s eye, so I’ll stop now. But this is an important issue to raise awareness about. Educate your female friends and family members. This is not something you want to be surprised about.
I figure it’s enough of a “surprise” for the poor medical staff assisting with the birth.